Thursday, August 17, 2006

A Visit with Brigham Young

Recently I took an out of town TBM friend of mine to Brigham Young’s Beehive House in down town SLC for the tour offered by the Morg. I’ve been on this tour several times as a TBM myself and remember it as being a very interesting historical informative tour of his home. This was my first experience going through his home since I left the church.

To be fair with the church, maybe I’ve just become very cynical. I know that I no longer share the same worldview as the church...but BOY has this tour changed.

We were greeted by two typical looking sister missionaries (why do they always seem to pair the fat one with the extreemly skinny one) ...and boy were they in their best Stepford Wife form. They had on these forced plastic smiles and seemed somewhat uncomfortable...until they went into their memorized speech.

I told them that both my companion and I were members (just didn’t want the shit) and would appreciate just the historical tour, but they only offered one type of tour.... The missionary so called spiritual tour. Since as one of the sisters explained, we all need to feel the spirit don’t we...I just gave a struggled grimace.

As the tour seemed that absolutely every detail shared on the tour had a modern application that could be applied to our lives today. A historical fact (used loosely) would be given then the modern day application expressed.

Here are some examples of how the tour went:

Brigham Young built this home in 1857: Imagine that BY actually talked with God in this very home and because of this you too can know that you can receive revelation for your family as well.

This was BY’s office: Every night he would gather his family here in this room for family prayer, family prayer can strengthen you and your family as well by gathering your family together nightly and praying to God.

This was BY Bedroom: When I asked about him having a separate bedroom from his wife... I joked he must have had about 56 bedrooms spread around SLC ... the sister quickly responded...oh no BY only had 19 wives (this is not true, according to church records he had 56 wives) then she turned my statement into a testimony building experience... Polygamy was an practice received through JS by revelation, it was practiced through 1890 (I didn’t beat this young lady over this misstatement of fact it continued on for 2 more decades ...what was the point) when the Lord again revealed to President Wilford Woodruff that the time for this commandment had been fulfilled, from this we can take comfort in knowing that the Lord is at the head of this church. That he continues to speak to a modern day prophet even Gordon B. Hinckley

This is BY's drawing room: BY would gather his family to be taught and have refreshments: Family Home Evening is provided to us today so that we too can be like BY and teach our families the gospel of JC.

This is the actual wedding dress of BY’s daughter: She knew that by being married in the temple she would be sealed with her family for eternity You too can be married in the temple and have your family trough out eternity and yes families can be together forever only through the temple.

This is BY’s bookcases: Do you what BY’s favorite book was? The book of Mormon, another witness for JC, we too can have this book in our lives as we study it pages and ask God for a witness to know that it is His word.

As the tour progressed I kept pointing our historical facts regarding the home that I had remembered from earlier tours (which they no longer share with the public) such as:

Painting the pinewood to look like oak

The section of wall that has been exposed to show that the home was built of adobe

Painting other areas to look like marble walls

That BY had 20 servants (when I pointed this out the sister said Oh No, BY Never had servants... he didn’t like that word ... he referred to them as helpers) Give me a break!

The beehive carving on the stairs: Which the sister quickly pointed out represented industry and working together and we can use this example in our lives today to be like bees and work hard in our respective vocations.

I kid you not.... Absolutely every fucking thing in that fucking house had a modern lesson application for our lives today...

By the time the tour was over I wanted to go out onto South Temple and throw up in the gutter!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Parody Eclisped by Reality

I about gagged with laughter recently when I attended F & T meeting with my wife. Some COB employee was baring his testimony when he kind of slipped and announced that the church is thinking of building a temple on a cruise ship. (I think its jsut one of those rumers that gets started and then gets legs) The purpose is to take the temple to the people of the pacific islands.

It was all I could do to keep from busting a gut...Imagine Capt Stubing AKA Temple Captain... all ready dressed in his white uniform and white captains hat putting on his green apron to officiate an endowment ceremony while Yeoman Gopher goes around and give everyone their signs and tokens. The Black Bartender, Isaac (He can go on board now you know)...could hand out tropical drinks with little “Angle Moroni’s” stuck on the top of tiny umbrellas to remind the mind of the Provo the patrons enter the Celestial “Cabin”. Cruse Director Julie McCoy...could direct the geriatric throngs in shuffleboard and scripture chases as they wait to enter the endowment “cabins“....

All the while in the back ground could be heard playing on the ship organ ... the tune....

Love, exciting and new,Come aboard.
We're endowing you.
Love, no more touching aloud.
Bow your head, as your instructed to.

The Love Boat ... Endowments for everyone.
The Love Boat ... Pay, Lay Ale-ings have just begun.

Set a course for Indenture,Your mind on Obedience.
Love .. Once endowed you’re ours till the end...
Fake a Smile .. Anti-Depressants Depend.

It's Looooove!Welcome aboard - It's Looooove!