Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Fighting Through the Darkness

Yesterday I posted on opportunities I passed on that could have led me out of the church at a much younger age. I detailed some of the difficult feelings I had when I first confronted evidence that conflicted with official foundational stories I had been taught at church. I now know that these feelings were nothing more than my brain reacting, trying to accommodate incompatible information that was at variance with other seemingly true church claims. Black can not be both black and white at the same exact time. The earth can not be both 6 billion years old and 6,000 years old at the same time...sorry folks but I’m just not smart enough to accept this. There can’t both be "no death" prior to Adam and "death" prior to Adam it has to be one or the other. I can't see where the Mormon God, being all-perfect, would use a tool of fraud to translate his so-called sacred scripture and then hide this fact from the general church membership. Yet these are examples of exactly what we were supposed to believe. It was obvious that these claims can not both be true at the same time. Just as two objects can not occupy the same space at the same time...two opposing truth claims can not both be true at the same time. Either one is true or the other is false. or both are false...but both can not both be true. Our minds are incapable of holding two conflicting notions as being true at the same time...we either embrace one or reject the other or merely ignore the reality of the conflicting claim. There is no middle ground.

As TBM’s most of us gave the church the benefit of doubt, at least at first. For me it was just unfathomable that this so-called organization that claimed to be the vessel of all moral, ethical and religious authority in the Universe could be anything other than what it claimed. Yet here I was as a young missionary being exposed to information that was 180 degrees opposite from what I had been taught...and to make matters worse the information seemed so could this be? Thus the cognitive dissonance and the swing into darkness.

In my own experience, it took years for me to accumulate enough inconsistent information for the scales to finally tip against the church. I fought hard for this not to happen. I compartmentalized, ignored, rationalized and excused everything that conflicted with the official church claim. And even then, I didn’t want to believe that the organization I had given my life to was based on a fraud.

I fought hard NOT to accept the truth. I’ve risked practically everything I value in this life...but in the end the accumulation of knowledge was so overwhelming that I had to finally accept it.

Those who have gone through a near death drowning experience say that once they accepted the reality of death, they found an unbelievable peace. In that place just between consciousness and darkness they find peace. Acceptance of their reality that life was over is part of finding this peace. They fight like hell NOT to die...yet in the end they find peace through acceptance. This is were I am with my loss of belief in Mormonism. I have fought like hell to maintain a belief in unbelievable things... I gave Mormonism over 40 years of my life... I NEVER wanted the church NOT to be everything that it claims to be, yet to my utter surprise it was only after I accepted my reality that I was able to find the light at the end of the tunnel and find peace with my life.

To all of you still fighting to maintain belief...take your time...fight like hell if you must ...but you will only find peace with acceptance of reality.


Anonymous said...

I agree with you, once you give into the reality life begins to be pretty great. I felt like I had gotten out of prison! It too quite a few years for me to adjust.

I am new to the exmo blog scene. I've been trying to make it on my own for the past 5 years. Just this week I got a big flamer and that lead me to looking everyone up. I know that I have probably missed some of your blogs, but I have been enjoying your comments.

I just wanted to let you know that I started a new blog just for exmos & Mormon flamers who visit exmo blogs and cause trouble.

If you are interested in sharing your favorite flamers just copy & paste their comments or emails in the comments section for the daily blog entry set up just for that. Feel Free to post a link to the blog they were commenting on. You might as well get a little promotion out of your trouble.

I am also publishing little known facts (with references) about the Mormon cult. If there is something you want to share please feel free to email it to me.

Nut Job Jen

I hope you don't mind me posting about this here. I would have emailed it if I could.

Thanks, Kita

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Thanks for this great post, Craig. It's really well explained and is exactly what I feel like. Great job.

Eric said...


I was suprised and excited to find you had posted twice recently. I really enjoy your writing style and voice.

Many of the "Outer Blogness" group have removed your blog from their lists. I'm one of the few who kept you in there, waiting for you to write.

Keep up the trend! Keep up your spirits, your intelligence, and your wit!

I hope all is as well as it can be.

(New Name Dan on RfM)

Angee said...


For the past two years I have been trying to find that source of peace that you have so accurately described in your post. I've "fought like hell" to somehow salvage my beliefs and continue practicing the religion that I've been taught my entire life. I've been terrified of the consequences when I reveal to my family that I no longer believe in the doctrines they've taught me. But like you said... I'll never find that peace I've been searching for until I accept the reality. Thank you for helping me find that peace.

Simeon's Peep Stone said...

Craig, Really well put. I'm at this point in my life as well. I never wanted this. I think I've accepted reality but am still grieving to a certain extent. Reality isn't so bad, it's all of the people trying to suck you back into their imaginary world that causes me pain now.

human Being said...

I agree with part of what you say, that "seeing the light" required a critical mass of truth. But for me, another component was feeling that it was ok to acknowledge that truth ... it took me a whole lot longer to get to that ok point.

Once I ceased all attendance, it's again taken several years to reclaim that ok point, that feeling of peace from just being. Finally I no longer feel trapped by the Mormon Mind Meld! Finally, I am finding real freedom to just simply be!