Yesterday I posted on opportunities I passed on that could have led me out of the church at a much younger age. I detailed some of the difficult feelings I had when I first confronted evidence that conflicted with official foundational stories I had been taught at church. I now know that these feelings were nothing more than my brain reacting, trying to accommodate incompatible information that was at variance with other seemingly true church claims. Black can not be both black and white at the same exact time. The earth can not be both 6 billion years old and 6,000 years old at the same time...sorry folks but I’m just not smart enough to accept this. There can’t both be "no death" prior to Adam and "death" prior to Adam it has to be one or the other. I can't see where the Mormon God, being all-perfect, would use a tool of fraud to translate his so-called sacred scripture and then hide this fact from the general church membership. Yet these are examples of exactly what we were supposed to believe. It was obvious that these claims can not both be true at the same time. Just as two objects can not occupy the same space at the same time...two opposing truth claims can not both be true at the same time. Either one is true or the other is false. or both are false...but both can not both be true. Our minds are incapable of holding two conflicting notions as being true at the same time...we either embrace one or reject the other or merely ignore the reality of the conflicting claim. There is no middle ground.
As TBM’s most of us gave the church the benefit of doubt, at least at first. For me it was just unfathomable that this so-called organization that claimed to be the vessel of all moral, ethical and religious authority in the Universe could be anything other than what it claimed. Yet here I was as a young missionary being exposed to information that was 180 degrees opposite from what I had been taught...and to make matters worse the information seemed so credible...how could this be? Thus the cognitive dissonance and the swing into darkness.
In my own experience, it took years for me to accumulate enough inconsistent information for the scales to finally tip against the church. I fought hard for this not to happen. I compartmentalized, ignored, rationalized and excused everything that conflicted with the official church claim. And even then, I didn’t want to believe that the organization I had given my life to was based on a fraud.
I fought hard NOT to accept the truth. I’ve risked practically everything I value in this life...but in the end the accumulation of knowledge was so overwhelming that I had to finally accept it.
Those who have gone through a near death drowning experience say that once they accepted the reality of death, they found an unbelievable peace. In that place just between consciousness and darkness they find peace. Acceptance of their reality that life was over is part of finding this peace. They fight like hell NOT to die...yet in the end they find peace through acceptance. This is were I am with my loss of belief in Mormonism. I have fought like hell to maintain a belief in unbelievable things... I gave Mormonism over 40 years of my life... I NEVER wanted the church NOT to be everything that it claims to be, yet to my utter surprise it was only after I accepted my reality that I was able to find the light at the end of the tunnel and find peace with my life.
To all of you still fighting to maintain belief...take your time...fight like hell if you must ...but you will only find peace with acceptance of reality.