I absolutely loved the LDS Church. I loved the culture, I loved the people, I loved and looked up to the GA’s as examples to base my life on and I loved the comfort that I had the TRUTH. I could with an aire of confident pride look at my fellow man and feel sadness and compassion for their lack of belief in accepting Mormonism’s truth. I took comfort in knowing that I was not just another human being walking blindly on the face of the earth... I knew who I was; I was a Child of God... a God in embryo. Yeah, I bought the “Snake Oil” and all its promises of families being together forever.... eternal marriage.... Godhood...eternal progress...That’s what makes it hurt so much even today. To discover the lies, the whitewashing, and the glorification of history to make it more spiritually uplifting, to have been taught the foundational stories as the church wanted its history to have played out rather than how it actually did play out.... I feel lied to and deceived by the very people I had placed such total confidence in. They lied to me and continue to lie to promote their agenda of belief. But belief in lies is just a false hope.
Coming to the realization that the LDS Church is not what it calms to be…has been the most painful experience of my life…yes even more so than being subjected to the church court which led to my excommunication (which was the second most painful experience of my life) Discovering that the church of my birth, has lied about its foundational claims…is more than I care to bare. Yet the facts that lead me to this conclusion seem beyond reproach. I just can’t fake it any longer; I can’t hold the pieces of the puzzle together in my head any longer. Much like the Dutch boy with his fingers in the dike holding back the flood. I had been plugging the many conflicts in my faith in Mormonism since my mission and the dam just finally broke. I can’t hold all the conflicting so called truths…one must be true while the other false. Conflicting claims of truth can’t all be true. I have to accept reality!
Mormonism is amazing to me in that regard...its ability to get its "knowledgeable" members to ignore credible information that conflicts with the offical church scrubed stories. How do these active members maintain these conflicting bits of information in their head while still being able to maintain faith in the church. God bless em I say ...I just couldn't lie to myself any longer. I no longer had the ability to maintain the cognitive dissonance.
Gordon B. Hinckley and many others have said that the church is either the truth or it’s a fraud...its either what it claims to be or it isn't. The fact that the church needs to lie and cover-up and whitewash and doctor and change its history and foundational stories in order to make them more faith promoting, finally collapsed what faith I still had remaining. I asked myself.... Would Jesus need to lie to support belief in Him? I answer that by saying NO, He wouldn't need to lie...which begs the question...then why would HIS church need to lie? Gordon Hinckley challenged members of the church to stand for something…well I decided to stand for TRUTH.
But most active Mormon’s won't expose themselves to the conflicting information.....it’s just too painful. My dear wife, whom I love to death...barely listens to anything I have to say on the subject. I have no credibility with her. It has broken her heart to see me lose the faith and belief I once held so dear, but I couldn't live a lie any longer. I refuse to live a lie for anyone. The church may be the greatest thing ever invented…but if it was invented…and its not what it claims to be, then I want nothing to do with it
The average run of the mill active believing member of the church won't listen to reason....they have been so conditioned by the church that they won’t listen to alternative ideas when they come in conflict with the church’s version of foundational claims. Questioning is not encouraged…if in so doing it questions faith in official stories. Even when confronted with factual documented proof...active members discard it as anti-Mormon falsehoods. How do I know this...that description used to be me.
My ah hah moment was when I finally decided that I had to know the truth no matter what the consequences...When I allowed myself to search for the truth even at the cost of my faith...it was over. The truth won out. I didn't like the truth...the truth was extremely painful, but I couldn't deny it either…the evidence against Mormonism is overwhelming.
I have no agenda against the church...you won't find me at conference holding up signs promoting what I’ve discovered... I just want to live an honest athentic life and be the best person, husband, father I can be….
One thing I’ve learned through this process of discovery is that it is not possible to accept reality unless you are willing to accept the remote possibility that the church may not be what it claims to be. If you can't accept that possibility...then you will never accept reality when it comes to church claims.