Monday, July 28, 2008

Why I was Excommunicated

Due to several inquiries asking that I explain the reasons that led to my excommunication, I thought I would make as forthright a confession as possible of all the reasons that led to me being excommunicated from the Mormon Church.

Strike 1:

I was raised in a family of con-men. My grandfather had run various con’s and had involved my father in his schemes as well. These weren’t your typical low level schemes…but full blown frauds with the clear intent to de-fraud other people out of their hard earned money. It’s been said that a sucker is born everyday…I can personally give testimony to the truth of this statement. We were never at a loss of a “mark” to take advantage of. I was brought into the “family business” at a young age…but continued my involvement as a young adult. I entered this family activity with my own mother’s knowledge and blessing.

Despite coming from a very active believing Mormon family, we somehow justified taking money from stupid people … and boy were we good at it. We plied our art on the greedy and gullible people in our community...they deserved it.

As a young man I soon became the instrument through which most of our cons were run. My father would set the stage for me to run my con. We took advantage of what all good con men know to be true… at their core, most people are greedy. We would take advantage of unsuspecting people's greed.

So here is how we set up our cons:

My father got unsuspecting gullible rich people to believe that I had the ability to actually see through solid objects. I know it sounds crazy, but he was very good and remember these “marks” were greedy. The “marks paid us large amounts of money for my ability to find them even more money that we had convinced them lay buried in their back yards.

To demonstrate my abilities my father would bury an object such as a feather in the yard of the “mark“several days in advance. Then we would offer a demonstration of my abilities to find hidden objects to our prospective clients. Knowing exactly where my father had buried the feather, I would use my super human abilities to see through solid objects to find the buried feather… this demonstration usually caused our marks to part with their money since they now had confidence in my abilities.

We tried this con once too often in my neighborhood and finally someone ratted me out. Word soon spread that I really didn’t have super human powers nor the ability to see through solid objects..."Gee Really?" and I had to turn to other ways to make money.

Strike 2:

Ok I’m a horny guy I admit it.

Not many years after I got married, I admit it, I did have a full blown affair…but bare with me…I was justified...

My wife had hired a local neighborhood school-aged girl to help with our household cleaning. She was 16 years old and a real hottie. I knew I was going to be in trouble the moment I laid eyes on her. I fantasized about her continuously. The way she swept and mopped our house...I mean seriously who could fault me. Now I must admit that I have a thing for women of any ages, but young girls really turned my crank. Any way to make a long story short…I was finally able to get our house keeper to succumb to my sexual designs. My little affair would have gone off without a hitch except my wife caught us one night while I was pounding the maid out back in our shed.

After this I continuously lied to my wife and told her that my affair was over and that I had learned my lesson…but it was all a lie. My love of women was insatiable. I think in all, by the time my church court came around, I had slept with about 33 women. Some of the girls I had sex with were as young as 14, some were married at the time and still others where older married woman…hell at the time I didn’t care, If it had a vagina, I wanted to pound it. With each successive conquest I became more bold. I took it as a challenge to bed whomever I wanted. Some of my best sex was with the wives of some of my best friends. Looking back, I still can't believe these happily married women fell for my pick up lines. It all fed my ego. All I wanted was to get laid… I knew I was out of control…but sex had become my life. Fortunately for me, I was able to convince my wife that I just had more love in me than she could provide. Sly dog huh. I was able to convince my wife that I would ONLY sleep with women to which she had given her approval {another lie}. This seemed to work for a while until some of the married women I had slept with started feeling all guilty and told their husbands. Word soon leaked out regarding my activities. Then the members of our neighborhood started the famed Mormon rumor mill...and I was finally outed.

Strike 3:

I think the final straw that led to my church court, as if my fraudulent activities and my multiple affairs weren't enough, the thing that finally broke the camel’s back…and left the church with no alternative but to excommunicate me was ultimately my pride.

I'm a proud man and I loved to boast about myself. I loved to tell other people about how great I am and at first meeting most people actually agree with me. But I now know that all this boasting get's old and eventually people don’t like it.

Yes, I know it was my pride that made me think I could pull off all the other things. I became delusional and even started to claim that I was second in greatness to only Jesus Christ himself. And I don’t think those involved in my church court saw any humor in me crowning myself “King of the World” either.

Bottom Line: I deserved to be Excommunicated...as would any person who did the kinds of dastardly things that I did. People would be "CRAZY" to believe ANY thing I might claim if they were aware of my entire personal history.

I hope this personal confession of the major sins that led to my church court will help quell further questions regarding why I was excommunicated. You see...I deserved it.

18 comments:

TB said...

Hi Cr@ig,

While, as a practising Mormon, I don't agree with the characterisations, I have to say that this was a very clever post. And a very smart way to respond to those who badger you on reasons for ex-communication, which is your business alone. Good stuff.

Bishop Rick said...

Excellent post!!

conley730 said...

Very clever indeed! Nice bio of JS.

Soy Yo said...

Pure Genius! You had me going at first. Great Post!

Interested said...

I must admit I fell for the con part at first. Great reading!

Joe said...

Cr@ig,

Loved the post. You really, really had me going for a bit. Your posts have been very valuable to me for about a year now. Thanks again!

Cr@ig said...

Thanks for the comments...didn't think my confessions would be received so positively...wink wink

Cr@ig

Annalisa said...

This was excellent. I started "getting it" right about the feather...I, too, am an ex-Mormon convert and BYU graduate and love reading your posts. You put into words what I know is the truth about "doctrine". Thank you. Love reading your stuff.

*Holley* said...

wait, i'm confused. these comments are acting like that whole post was a joke. gullible is my middle name so i really don't know...is this a joke? or serious?

Cr@ig said...

Holly,

My dear girl...it’s called sarcasm. Each of the 3 strikes I mention were actual things that Joseph Smith did in real life.

It’s my way to interject some humor at the expense of Joseph Smith’s antics. It’s also my poke in the eye to those who wish to point a holier than thou finger my way…while still maintaining believe in a man with such charactor flaws and conflicting history vs. the one the Mormon church wants to be taught.

The ‘final accomplie’ is where I state: I deserved to be Excommunicated...as would any person who did the kinds of dastardly things that I did. People would be "CRAZY" to believe ANY thing I might claim if they were aware of my entire personal history.

This is directed to believing Mormon’s who maintain believe in the flawed man Joseph Smith. It’s my way of telling them that anyone who did these kinds of things should be excommunicate (Joseph wasn’t he was immortalized and worshipped) and that anyone who is aware of Joseph’s real history and still believes in his claims…is just plain CRAZY.

It's also my way of telling those who want me to spill the beans on my personal life to Fuck off. It's no ones business but my own. think the worst of me...think the best of me...I don't give a fuck.

Anonymous said...

Who cares about being ex-communicated - you should consider yourself lucky you're ass isn't in jail for having sex with 14-year-old girls.

Brother Zelph said...

Nice post! You had me going there too.

Cr@ig said...

I agree with you Anonymous person who ever you are..."Anyone" who had sex with a 14 year old girl should have his ass thrown in jail...

emdeebee said...

You had me going too, what a great satire on that horny ol' goat.

Anonymous said...

I am not mormon, but I have been tossed around emotionally by someone who is.

It's like a force that cannot be reckoned with. If there is anything on earth that has the power to excommunicate you, it's not Christianity. Jesus would never do that.

The Crow Family said...

I am at a loss for words right now! This was so fuckin hilarious! AND you're right, you are entitled to your privacy when it comes to your "ex-communication". It's no ones business! Besides, you DO know that if you decide to go back, your sins will be washed away and it will be as if they "never happened". (wink, wink)

Mormon411 said...

A brilliant post!

natalie said...

So good! If only I could share this with the TBM's in my life...