Thursday, April 02, 2009

It Really Happened

For the past 5 years I’ve been trying to recover from my Mormon upbringing…I suppose that on some level one never fully recovers from the mind fuck and brainwashing that is the Mormon church. But having said that…something interesting happened today that I felt I needed to blog about. I went to lunch with some friends…and not once did the Mormon Church come up in our conversation. Nothing Nadda, Zilch, Nil, ZERO.

Ok so what’s the big deal you ask? Well this particular group of friends has each struggled with our recovery from Mormonism, all in our own particular way during the past 5 years. At one time ,everyone of us were active believing members of the church, each of us still has members of our families that remain active and believe the church to be “true”. But through a total coincidence, one fateful day 5 years ago, we discovered independently that none of us were believers in the Mormon Church.
Since that day, we have been a support group for each other…helping each other get through the reality that the faith that we had dedicated our life to…was nothing but a false promises, with no hope of any reward.

Over the years we have discussed every aspect of Mormonism in every conceivable way. We have kicked that dead horse so many times, as each of us has felt the need to vent our frustrations due to having to live within the influence of Mormonism, despite not being believers.

But today was different…today there was not even one mention of the church in even the most subtle of ways.

After lunch, as I was walking back to my car, it hit me that we had gone through an entire lunch without any of us bringing up Mormonism. This was a huge and important moment in our recovery. Just as I was about to turn around and announce this wonderful transitional news with my departing friends…I caught myself and just said, “see yea all later”… You see, I didn’t want to spoil that perfect moment by making mention of the church.

17 comments:

The Crow Family said...

This is so awesome! I too am slowly slipping away from conversations about Mormonism. I've been able to go several days without mentioning it to my husband...until one of our TBM family members calls and breaks plans with us because of a church activity or meeting. I thought the church was all about families? However it seems that when ever MY APOSTATE family wants to spend time with them, they are inevitably pulled away by a calling, Visiting Teaching, FHE or some other guilt ridden responsibility! It makes me ill!
That's when I get irate...I just want to tell them all to fuck off!

(I stumbled across your blog a couple of days ago and I started reading it from the beginning...so much of our experiences are the same, and I smile or laugh when I read your responses to your readers! Some of these TBM's that comment on here really don't get it, and I am so embarrassed that I used to be one of them. I have apologized to as many of my never-mo friends as I can...most of them are relieved that we left! Actually all of them are.)

You'll have to excuse me now, I have a glass of wine that has my name on it, and a cig that needs my lips!

Look forward to more of your posts. However, as time goes on I'm sure you will be posting less and less. Good for you!

Cr@ig said...

Yeah...I've spent the last 5-6 years venting my frustrations and now find myself less angry and much more tolerant but also less inclined to blog about Mormonism.

The view of Mormonism I see in my rear view mirror...is slipping into the back ground of my life...and becoming smaller and smaller with each passing day. And thats a good thing.

The Crow Family said...

I too, hope that one day I will become less angry with all the lies that were baby-spoon fed me. I try to be tolerant, and most of the time I am, but some days I feel the fury within me from deep down and I physically want to scream. It's comforting knowing that as time goes on the hate and anger will fade. But for the time being, I'm enjoying my journey of self-discovery...it's funny because I feel like I'm learning things about myself that I hadn't known before...it's amazing what happens when you start thinking for yourself instead of letting others tell you what you should believe. It's liberating having an original thought, knowing that I came to a conclusion on my own and not because some prophet told me to believe it. Now if I could only convince my TBM family that I am the happiest I've ever been in my whole life, I'd feel a hellava lot better! (They'll never buy it...how can a Vodka drinking, spaghetti strap wearing, showing off her new tatto, Marlbarro Smooth smokin, and oral sex lovin, apostate be happy? EASY!)

Emily.

Anonymous said...

Regardless of how someone feels about the mormon church, or any religion for that matter, What a complete waste of time to sit and blog about your hate for the religion. I respect your feelings, I can't tell you to feel different, but we all at some point in life come across things that hurt us, offend us, things that make us want to give up.

Regardless of our religion (or not) as humans we are taught & should understand, the way to over come our hurt/hate/self pitty, is to focus on other things that are good, things, and ways where we can really make a difference.

I know for myself when I am hurt by something or someone, I feel so much worse when I sit and dwell on how much this person/thing has hurt me. Then when I get someone else to agree with me those feelings are growing and even more stronger! It's human nature.

I just can't imagine how sitting and blogging about your hate for the church is going to help you "move on" If the church has hurt you fine. I'm not telling you to feel different, I don't live your life. I just don't understand the reasoning behind this blog?

All this does is help remind you on a daily basis how angry and hurt you are by something.

You can never move on and heal, by putting your efforts and time into something like this.

Good luck, I wish you the best.

Clark said...

Anonymous, blogging/writing about these things is as therapeutic for the writer as it is for the reader who is going through the same thing.

Craig, I'm still at a point where I always want to talk about it, even with people who know nothing about Mormonism other than it has something to do with polygamy. I'm glad to hear it's starting to fade from your life.

Dw@ne's Thoughts said...

I love the anonymous posts, especially those critical to Craig. Too afraid to come out and leave an identity? You can criticize Craig for using a Blog as therapy to help deal with changes to his life? But you won't stand up and give us your name. Whatever.

I caught your site a few months ago and I check it from time to time and noticed a recent post. I have had a similar situation in which I did something I should not have done and it has cost me my church membership. I too had been struggling with questions of the church for about 5 years.

For me it's hard because my wife and kids are still very active in the church. There are members in our ward I consider to be my friends. So I attend church with my wife and kids but I also attend another faith.

To the secret critical poster, we do not see blogging on this subject as "a waste of time". Quite the opposite, we feel it a form of therapy that we can vent our frustrations in print form and share our ideas to others and seek help from those struggling with the same things.

There is a difference in "hating" a religion and simply pointing out that foundational beliefs were set up as lies. I respect the church for the positive things it does. I may not believe, but I don't hate. I still support my family in their beliefs and respect my wife's choices. I wish others could respect our choices the same.

meagan said...

Bravo Craig! Congratulations! You're ready to move on and I am jealous, because I need a little more venting.

Anonymous said...

Hi Craig. After reading your blog I know that you are someone I can turn to for advice. I am still a member but know that it's false. I haven't found the strength to leave yet b/c I LOVE the church so much. I love its organization, the people, the programs, the activities, the hymns, the primary songs, and even the prophet (as a man, not a prophet) How do I get over my emotional attachment?

Cr@ig said...

Dear "Anonymous",

Sorry for the delay in replying to your comment...I've been out of town. Anyway...to answer your question...it all comes down to "Power".

How much power you give them and how much power you allow the church to have over you.

If you no longer recognize the Mormon Church as having any real authority or real power from God over you...then it just becomes an expensive social club.

Once you recognize this then it is YOU who are in control of your life. You become the adult to decide what you choose to participate in and how much you pay or not pay to participate. You decide if you want this calling or that calling or no calling at all. You have the power to say NO to whatever is asked of you without the pressure of feeling any guilt over it…cuz after all it is just an expensive social club…and the good part is that it is you who decides the level of your involvement and no longer the church.
You can choose to participate on any level you want to. You can tell your bishop…heck bishop...I just like the people and the parties...and that’s all I'm going to be involved in...I don't really give a shit about all the rest of it any way, cuz the church is NOT what it claims to be and really has no power over me.

Best of luck.

Cr@ig

Herbert Marcuse said...

Cr@ig,

Thanks so much for sharing your story on this blog. So many people have been through similar things.

If ever you'd like to copy an article to our blog, you'd be most welcome. Please feel free to contact us if this is the case.

Best to you,

Herb

I was a Mormon said...

Thanks again Craig for your blog. You were the main reason why I created my own blog. I use it as a way to vent my frustrations of the church. Now that I'm a non member, I can sit back and look at the whole picture without that emotional connection to the organization. I have that power that you talk about. I don't let the church run my life anymore.

I set my own rules now.

flygirl said...

Very cool. I hope that in a few years, my friends and I will be like that. As most of my friends are only a year or two out, there is often still re-hashing, but I do see it becoming less often as we release the hold the church has on us.

Lyman said...

Great blog Cr@ig. My wife and I have happily left our church years in the past. We're not going to raise our two-year old to hate herself and her body. It's hard for us to not have the church come up in conversation. Some of of friends are TBM's and our families are still active.

Natalie said...

Oh my gosh, {still saying gosh, only realized the church wasn't true 10 days ago after living 29 years of never feeling the spirit. Never being aware of that fact, however, because I was employing a toxic combination of the circular logic as described a few posts ago with the yearning to make Momma and Poppa and everyone around my syndrome added into the equation} anyway...

The comment from the Anonymous reader is SOOO something I would have posted on this blog had I found it when I was still my own version of a TBM. Feel so sorry for them. The truth is right here, and even though Anon is really acting 'Christlike' in their response, they're so naive!

PS even though I am too young for this, the word verification for me is something almost identical to 'pay lay ale'... maybe the church IS true and this is a sign. LOL

David Sylvester said...

How did you handle conversations with your family after you left the church? I recently left myself, and I've had mostly silence from my family after the initial shock. I honestly want to talk to them about it more and be able to be candid about my decision to leave, but I don't want to come across as aggressive (although I wish dearly that they could learn the things I've learned). Have any suggestions?

Cr@ig said...

Honestly, meeting family members expectations is always difficult. All I can suggest is honestly and mutual respect. Live authentically, be honest in who you are and always respect them for who they are. These are the only answers that have worked for me

I was a Mormon said...

For me I left the church because of 4 or 5 theology problems I had with the church. The Book of Abraham, The Book of Mormon, Joseph's secret wives, Black Curse, and the Kinderhook plates.

I have family still active in the church and I don't feel it's my place to publicly tell them the reasons for me leaving the church. I have just told them that the church is just not for me and I have problems with some of the teachings. But I also support my family members who are still in the church because the church does some good in the world and my family have had benefits of being members. It's hard because if you are too honest in your feelings to others still active in the church those members may feel that you are attacking their faith and it makes your point harder to make.

I would wait and if a family member wanted to know the details I would tell them the details but only if they came to me.