Ok time for true confessions... I’ve been addicted to Coffee for as long as I can remember. Now I never actually consumed any until about 2 years ago, AFTER I left the church. But as a pre teen my never mo grand pa (he may have been necro dunked by now, but I’m sure he’s still resisting) used to give me that yummy coffee candy. It was the perfect mix of a cup o coffee with cream and sugar...yummy. If my TBM mom caught me eating one, she would make me spit it out. Oh that evil vile candy. On the same level as candy cigarettes...
As a teen, I’d linger alittle too long in the grocery store coffee isle as well...especially if someone was grinding some freshly roasted coffee beans. (Yeah they use to sell that at the store even in Utah). I loved the smell of freshly ground coffee, still do. It smelled so good to me...yet I KNEW it was one of the most evil substances on earth. One of the BIG three...after tabacco and alcohol.
Then something happened when I went into my chosen career... I had a weak moment one day and I consumed a caffeinated beverage... not a hard core cola drink mind you...but a carbonated "entry level" caffeinated root beer. The kind of drink those evil manufactures of caffeinated beverages make to hook the weak and unsuspecting. Well that did it... I was on the quick road to hell after that... I soon migrated to stronger caffeine drinks such as Shasta Cola, Mr. Pib and finally the mother of all caffeine drinks.... OH God help me, I consumed a Coca-Cola. Well that eventually led me to much stronger caffeinated drinks such as Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew and my ultimate drug of choice, Diet-Pepsi. I was consuming more and more caffeine drinks...I even did it in public settings...selecting the caffeine brand even when the caffeine free variety was available.
I had a problem... I knew I had a problem... I was a consumer of COLD caffeine. Not to be confused with that evil damned generation who drank their caffeine HOT. Thank God, there was nothing wrong with cold caffeine consumption. I could still get a temple recommend. I could still practice my religion with a clear conscience knowing I was one of God's chosen few because I drank my caffeine COLD. I could still pat myself on my back KNOWING that I was a worthy Mormon...since I had NEVER consumed HOT caffeine. I could keep that chip securly on my shoulder KOWING that I was better than my fellow man because I only consumed my caffeine COLD, never HOT. In fact it quickly became clear to me that THE TEMPERATURE OF THE CAFFEINE CONSUMED COULD DETECT PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL. People who drank HOT caffeine...were clearly the spawn of Satan.
Then something happened... a Never Mo cousin of mine asked me to explain why I could drink cold caffeinated beverages as a Mormon...but would not join him for a cup of hot tea or hot coffee. God Damn him.... How dare he use logic and reason against my God given Mormon rationalizations. I wanted to yell at him and tell him that Hot Caffeine was against the word of wisdom... but as a Never Mo, child of Satan, he would never understand the intricacies of God's plan. Clearly, God made a distinction between being good and being evil based on the temperature of ones caffeine consumption... but how was I going to help him understand God’s convoluted, nonsensical law’s of Love.
I filed this conflict in the back of my mind as a good Mormon always does with all the other stupid conflicting nonsense Mormonism had conflicted me with over the years.
Jump ahead a few years... I now just shake my head and laugh at how totally absurd this Mormon measuring stick for goodness really is. And to think it took my Never-Mo Cousin to point it out to me. Yeah, I was that brainwashed.
So this morning, as I was driving to work with a hot cup ‘o coffee, enjoying the delicious aroma of that HOT caffeine drink... I had a moment of pure joy come across my face as I reflected back on my Mormon upbringing and the absolutely absurd teachings that the worth of an individual can be detected through the temperature of the caffeine in their drink...