Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Ummmmm... Smell That Aroma...

Ok time for true confessions... I’ve been addicted to Coffee for as long as I can remember. Now I never actually consumed any until about 2 years ago, AFTER I left the church. But as a pre teen my never mo grand pa (he may have been necro dunked by now, but I’m sure he’s still resisting) used to give me that yummy coffee candy. It was the perfect mix of a cup o coffee with cream and sugar...yummy. If my TBM mom caught me eating one, she would make me spit it out. Oh that evil vile candy. On the same level as candy cigarettes...

As a teen, I’d linger alittle too long in the grocery store coffee isle as well...especially if someone was grinding some freshly roasted coffee beans. (Yeah they use to sell that at the store even in Utah). I loved the smell of freshly ground coffee, still do. It smelled so good to me...yet I KNEW it was one of the most evil substances on earth. One of the BIG three...after tabacco and alcohol.

Then something happened when I went into my chosen career... I had a weak moment one day and I consumed a caffeinated beverage... not a hard core cola drink mind you...but a carbonated "entry level" caffeinated root beer. The kind of drink those evil manufactures of caffeinated beverages make to hook the weak and unsuspecting. Well that did it... I was on the quick road to hell after that... I soon migrated to stronger caffeine drinks such as Shasta Cola, Mr. Pib and finally the mother of all caffeine drinks.... OH God help me, I consumed a Coca-Cola. Well that eventually led me to much stronger caffeinated drinks such as Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew and my ultimate drug of choice, Diet-Pepsi. I was consuming more and more caffeine drinks...I even did it in public settings...selecting the caffeine brand even when the caffeine free variety was available.

I had a problem... I knew I had a problem... I was a consumer of COLD caffeine. Not to be confused with that evil damned generation who drank their caffeine HOT. Thank God, there was nothing wrong with cold caffeine consumption. I could still get a temple recommend. I could still practice my religion with a clear conscience knowing I was one of God's chosen few because I drank my caffeine COLD. I could still pat myself on my back KNOWING that I was a worthy Mormon...since I had NEVER consumed HOT caffeine. I could keep that chip securly on my shoulder KOWING that I was better than my fellow man because I only consumed my caffeine COLD, never HOT. In fact it quickly became clear to me that THE TEMPERATURE OF THE CAFFEINE CONSUMED COULD DETECT PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL. People who drank HOT caffeine...were clearly the spawn of Satan.

Then something happened... a Never Mo cousin of mine asked me to explain why I could drink cold caffeinated beverages as a Mormon...but would not join him for a cup of hot tea or hot coffee. God Damn him.... How dare he use logic and reason against my God given Mormon rationalizations. I wanted to yell at him and tell him that Hot Caffeine was against the word of wisdom... but as a Never Mo, child of Satan, he would never understand the intricacies of God's plan. Clearly, God made a distinction between being good and being evil based on the temperature of ones caffeine consumption... but how was I going to help him understand God’s convoluted, nonsensical law’s of Love.

I filed this conflict in the back of my mind as a good Mormon always does with all the other stupid conflicting nonsense Mormonism had conflicted me with over the years.

Jump ahead a few years... I now just shake my head and laugh at how totally absurd this Mormon measuring stick for goodness really is. And to think it took my Never-Mo Cousin to point it out to me. Yeah, I was that brainwashed.

So this morning, as I was driving to work with a hot cup ‘o coffee, enjoying the delicious aroma of that HOT caffeine drink... I had a moment of pure joy come across my face as I reflected back on my Mormon upbringing and the absolutely absurd teachings that the worth of an individual can be detected through the temperature of the caffeine in their drink...

16 comments:

Sideon said...

Hot grande soy latté, no foam.

Here's to a grand week of coffee-filled mornings and happy smiles on your way to work.

C.L. Hanson said...

In my day, even coke was a sin!!!

Good thing too because really, yuck!!! ;-)

Much better to go straight to delicious, sinfully hot coffee!!!!

I don't know about this "soy latté" though... What the...?

;-)

C.L. Hanson said...

True coffee is served black, baby!!! ;-)

Skeptical said...

I have discovered the taste of the forbidden bean!

Eight Hour Lunch said...

Starbucks mocha valencia for me. MMMMM. Coffee, how did I ever live without you? :)

Eric said...

Still not a coffee drinker (yet always a closet ground aroma lover), but I so miss the candy cigarettes! That delectable flavor, the mere vision of holding a pack of cigs, and the distinct yet unforegettable scent of processed sugar cane. Or was that really Cain?

hmmm...

Anonymous said...

Bwahaha - you rock!

Anonymous said...

Oh how your entry made me smile! I never thought of the cold vs hot satanic brew. I too have looked back at those ridiculous measuring sticks and smiled as I walked into Starbucks.

Anonymous said...

AREN'T YOU THE GUY WHO IS ADDICTED TO MASTURBATION AND PORN, IN FACT YOU WERE BUYING A PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE AT THE GAS STATION, NOT A CAFFEINE DRINK.. NICE TRY

YOU COULDN'T HACK LIVING THE PRINCIPLES OF THE GOSPEL.,..SO YOU COPPED OUT.. I AM VERY, VERY SORRY FOR YOU..

ANON LDS IN IDAHO

Dad said...

I'm really enjoying your Blog; some great laughs. I'm sorry for being picky about your syntax but really, pluralization of words is not by 's as in "...but how was I going to help him understand God’s convoluted, nonsensical law’s of Love". should read nonsensical laws of Love

polarpaul said...

I think the broader issue is that the word of wisdom was designed to highlight the need to treat our bodies as temples. It is significant that living the word of wisdom has been a long standing condition of being temple worthy.

The larger principle of maintaining a healthy body seems to be forgotten when it comes to serving refreshments at LDS events. They usually seem to be loaded with sugar.

The whole caffeine/coffee tea dichotomy highlights differences between church culture and doctrine. Many members believed it was a violation of church doctrine to drink Coke whereas the missionaries were taught this was not the case. Obsessing on such fine distinctions rather than focusing on the benefits of overall health seems to be symptomatic of people who feel more comfortable following a script for life rather than taking responsibility for making decisions about what will impact their health.

I think this form of thinking isn't confined to Mormons, but the highly organized and conformist culture of Mormons can bring out the tendency to focus on the letter of the law which is black and white at the expense of viewing things as being more gray.

Anonymous said...

So, does that mean that I'm not sinning when I drink my COLD Starbucks Double Shot espresso? Thank GOD!

PoliticallySavoy said...

Oooh, I can so relate to this post.

I can remember walking through Reams in Springville with my mom and wondering how something that smelled so good could be so bad... it took another 15 yrs or so (and leaving the church)before I drank my first cup. It's my favorite sin now. Well, one of them anyway :)

taylor said...

I find it interesting that so many people that leave Mormonism tend to be very similar. So many of these entries are the same; bitter, sarcastic, and seemingly stereotypical. I don't know what to think of that.

Cr@ig said...

Welcome Taylor,



Hmmm using terms such as “Bitter, sarcastic, and seemingly stereotypical” are very stereotypical assessments used by Mormon faithful towards so called apostates.

Your world view dictates how you view those who have left the church. Your faith requires you to discount both our pain of discovering that the church is a fraud and the information we discovered that led to our loss of faith. To give any credibility to non-believers would only diminish the authority of your own beliefs. So you sum up non-believers by the emotionally charges term of "apostate" and pigeonhole those who no longer believe the unbelievable claims made within the Mormon church. It makes you feel better and superior to those who have come to the conclusion that Mormonism is not what it claims to be.

That’s ok I get it...(I’ve been there too…I understand your mindset) it protects you from your own doubts...it’s a form of insulation from reality...I get it. I struggled with all those unbelievable claims for 30 years until my mental shelf finally collapsed.
So Taylor you go right ahead and believe that those who leave Mormonism are evil, bitter, sarcastic or whatever other words give you comfort and security to your unsupportable worldview.

Mormon411 said...

It's funny, Cr@ig, I've always strongly disliked the aroma of coffee. Maybe it was because the smell was associated with such an evil beverage.

While I still don't care for the smell, I do enjoy a good cup of coffee with lots of sugar and cream... or that French Vanilla Cappuccino from 7-11. Those are so good I could just die.

I can't believe I missed out on all this good stuff for so long.